The Non-Sacramental Marriage/Wedding

My blog has never really been one where people write in questions but, as things are always changing, I'm certainly willing--even eager--to go in that direction.  So if you have questions about the faith, or anything else about which I might advise you, feel free to email me.  I may post your question, along with my response, and your anonymity is always guaranteed.

A reader writes in to me with the following:

I am a permanent deacon at a small parish...and have a wedding to assist at in August. As in most wedding homilies, they always focus on the sacramentality of marriage. This is fine when one or both of couple is a Catholic. However as you know, whenever a Catholic marries an unbaptized non-Christian person, the marriage is not a sacrament but just a “valid” Catholic marriage. Do you have any ideas as to how to tackle this?

True, only the marriages of baptized persons are sacramental marriages--even between a Catholic and a validly baptized non-Catholic.  The marriage between a Catholic and a non-baptized person, and even the the marriage between two non-baptized persons (at which, as deacons, we do not preside), is considered a "natural marriage" as opposed to its being sacramental. Nevertheless, it is still a marriage, and as such it holds the intrinsic dignity of marriage.  It is also important to keep in mind that in the event that the non-baptized party is baptized, the marriage will become sacramental without anything else having to be done. 
 
Beyond getting the necessary permissions or dispensations from your bishop, which I am sure you have done, you will indeed want to concentrate on your homily and on the wedding ceremony.  Keep in mind that even with a sacramental marriage, where both parties are baptized, your homily does not necessarily have to focus on the sacramentality of the marriage, though there's certainly nothing wrong with it doing so.  

For the non-sacramental marriage, I suggest that you focus on the readings (primarily the gospel) the couple has chosen, especially, if possible, bring in the aspect of marriage being a lasting relationship.  Also, try to focus as much as possible on love and the love that God is.  I have found a good rule to follow in ministry is to temper everything with love.  In doing so, you'll have no problem when disputing with your foes--so to speak.
 
Here's a homily I did some time back at a wedding where one spouse was not baptized.  Perhaps there are elements you can use.  Keep in mind that although one party is not Christian, the other one is.  Thus, it is quite appropriate to emphasize elements of the life in Christ and the Church. Here it is:
 

I have heard it said, "It is not love that sustains your marriage, but marriage that sustains your love."  This is something that almost all married people will attest to.  It means that you'll always have more love to look forward to in your life with each other, which you are beginning in an entirely new way today.
 
There's a secret to a happy marriage that's in the readings that you chose for your wedding.  The theme of unity comes through clearly, especially in the gospel reading, but does it make sense to talk about the unity of husband and wife if we're not given instructions on how to be one with each other?  The instruction is part of the scriptures.  The Lord tells us, through his prayer to the Father, to expect that the love of God be with us and part of our lives.  Put another way, husband and wife learn to be for one another the way that God is for us.
 
In marriage, it's good to pause occasionally and say, "Remember, I'm on your side; I'm for you."  This is a lesson that we take from our faith, which speaks of the marriage in heaven between Christ and his bride.  We, as the Church, understand that he is for us, his bride, in all ways and at all times.  Perhaps above everything else, being on one another's side means to learn to be forbearing and forgiving with each other.  The love sustained by marriage forbears, forgives, and learns always to say, "I will never leave you."  It's the secret to the lasting marriage.

So as you go forth this morning as husband and wife, I offer you my blessing as the Church's minister.  However, when you first found each other you likely found the blessing that means the most to the two of you.  It's with joy that we celebrate that blessing, as well as the Church's blessing, today.

Comments

[C]

That'd also make a good homily for the yearly Mass that celebrates marriage, especially for those creeping up onto years when all the kids are gone and the bodies are breaking down to dust. On the wedding day, few words of wisdom are needed or heard; that day is wall-to-wall "'til death do us part--and then some!" But come about the 25th year, it would be good to hear/say, "Remember, I'm on your side."

[Deacon DW]

I really try to keep wedding homilies short. The weddings that deacons preside at are without a Mass, so the expectation is that everything takes place inside a half-hour. Also, the couple typically remains standing during the homily, so that's another reason to keep it short (though there's no reason why they can't sit or kneel for it). I save the long sermons for Sundays.

[Eleanor]

Hi

My daughter wishes to marry in the same church I was married in 36 years ago. She is christened catholic however since then apart from the occasional visit does not go to church regularly. Her fiance is christened but not catholic. My daughter does not live at home. My mother does live in the parish where the church is situated.

Obviously this would be something I would like to happen,but am unsure as to if this would be allowed and I am looking for advice before I contact the parish priest.

Thank you for your comments.

[Dennis Swanson]

Question --- Can a priest or a deacon perform a non-sacramental marriage outside of the confines of a church. My daughter and fiance are both Catolics that live in Kansas City. They are getting married in the Durham Musem in OMaha, Ne (close to my daughters home town). The priest in thier KC parish says they will recognize a Christian marriage. I would like a priest or deacon to perform the ceremony, I just don't know if they can perform outside of the confines of a chirch and outside of the confines of a Nuptual Mass.